(Almost) Everything I Learned in 2023

1. Systems are more important than goals.

Goals are a destination. You don’t get anywhere just by knowing what your destination is.

Create systems. Make game plans and strategies. Those are the directions to your goals. Write out the exact steps you need to take to get closer to where you want to be. Then, every so often, check whether your systems are truly pushing you in the right direction. If they aren’t, start making adjustments.

2. Fixed mindsets come from identity-based praise.

The worst compliments you can give people, especially children, are along the lines of “you’re so smart” or “talented” or “gifted”—any compliment that attributes a person’s accomplishments to inherent traits rather than consistent effort and effective strategy. This is how people become convinced that talent and competence are qualities you are either born with or not.

This leads to anxiety over proving the worthiness of one’s traits. Fears of imperfection and negative attitudes toward assistance and effort subsequently emerge from the core belief that if you cannot succeed independently, immediately, and effortlessly, then you are not naturally talented.

3. Growth Mindsets come from process-based praise.

Instead of “You’re so smart,” point out the specific things a person did to succeed in their learning. Tell them “I like how you’re challenging yourself with these hard math problems.” Point out that “It’s great how you’re always asking why things work the way they do.”

Instead of “You’re such a natural at music/art,” try commending a person on consistently practicing everyday. Or say, “I love how you try to emulate the artists that inspire you.”

Praise the craft—the things people control—rather than the genetics they are born with. Teach people that genetics only determine where you start. Where you finished is determined by how you work.

4. Easy tasks don’t help you grow.

We praise people when they can do things quicky and without effort, no sweat. The kid who finishes an assignment in record time is valued over the kid who struggled with and scrutinized every answer.

The “stretch zone” is a region between the “comfort zone” and the “panic zone.” This is where difficulty is just challenging enough that the task feels hard to accomplish but not overwhelmingly impossible. Any easier, and you’re merely dilly-dallying with things you already know. Any harder, and you start to freak out because you think you can’t do anything. The stretch zone right in between these extremes is where you need to stay in order to grow.

Find the optimal range. Push away from comfort. Seek only what challenges you.

5. If you study more than 3 hours a day, you study strategy sucks.

For young students, we brag about how many hours we study a day—the more the better. All-nighters are a badge of honor and pride. A student is a good student not when they are challenged, but when they are suffering.

The study strategies we’re taught—highlighting, rereading, linear note-taking, rote memorization—have all been proven by decades of learning research to be useless and ineffective. They rely on lower-order thinking (e.g., memorization, understanding) and isolated ideas, causing learning to be much less efficient than strategies with higher-order thinking (e.g. application, analysis, evaluation, creation) and interconnected concepts. These strategies fail to cooperate with the brain’s learning systems. This is why many students feel they need to study 20 hours a day, when they only need 1 or 2. 3 maximum.

6. People will only change if they choose to change.

Every human being CAN change, but whether or not they WILL change depends on their own motivations. The neural networks in the brain are malleable, but unless you’re still in the hyper-learning stages of childhood and teenagehood, the necessary neurochemicals for change (e.g., acetylcholine, norepinephrine) are not present unless conscious focus and intention are directed toward that change.

On a related note, for those of us waiting on an immature adult in our lives to realize the errors of their ways, it may be best for us to leave that person be. They will not change so long as they don’t believe change is needed.

7. The present is all you need to care about (mostly).

Planning for the future and reflecting on the past are natural, evolutionary behaviors that have helped our species survive for thousands of years. But these habitual thoughts easily become harmful when overdone.

We may dwell on our past mistakes and cringe at who we used to be. We may worry about our future troubles and catastrophize how bad our lives will become.

But the past and the future are not in our hands. We cannot undo past failures, nor can we prophesize future certainties. All we can do and control exists in the present moment. For all we care about, the present is our most vital jurisdiction.

8. Self-care is not just about taking a break.

Ideal self care is to pursue self-actualization and create a life that is fulfilling both inside and outside of the workplace.

The keys to a flourishing life have already been outlined by Positive Psychology in the PERMA framework: positive emotion, engagement, relationships, meaning, and achievement.

To flourish is to create paths in life that allow for all of these factors to prosper within your work life, your social life, and your individual life. The job you settle on should be just as meaningful and engaging as the activities you enjoy in your downtime.

9. You’re not in charge of making people like you.

Putting yourself out into the social world is like being a fish vendor at a marketplace. You put your products on display, and if people are interested, let them swing by.

Some people will walk right past you; that’s fine.

Some people will stop by but ultimately dislike your product; that’s fine. Let them carry on, and wish them a safe journey ahead.

Some people will be customers for a short time before moving on; that’s fine. Cherish what you have gained from the time you knew them.

Some people will be lifelong, loyal customers; congratulations to you—you have established a cornerstone relationship. These people will be your strongest patrons of consistent joy throughout your life.

Don’t go shoving your fish in people’s faces if they don’t want them. Let people come and go in the bustle of life.